Episode 23: Jakaro Officially Wins The Looting Game

Jakaro was strolling around the Trinsic invasion on Easter when he came across an interesting item lying on a dead body. So of course he scooped it up.

Upon further investigation, he realized it what it was: a blessed talisman, bound to Coco Puff. Whaaaaaaaaaat?

 He opened it up, and lo and behold, this sucker had 4 maxed out relics on it:

This talisman was likely worth millions and millions of gold to Coco Puff, and hours of his time. But how did it even end up on his corpse? Jakaro had no idea. He reached out to his fellow players for assistance, and it was determined that this was most likely a bug.

Jakaro knew that this was likely invaluable to Coco Puff and could have extorted him for millions of gold, but also knew that losing an item this valuable could result in losing a player permanently from the game. He knew what he had to do. Jakaro prayed to the gods and allowed them to make their own decision. 

The heavens opened up, and an illustrious figure descended from the clouds. GM Shane stopped by Jakaro's house, and exchanged the talisman for this beauty:

And thus ends the brief tale of how Jakaro looted the unlootable. Jakaro the Looter, dedicated citizen of Sosaria, signing off!

Episode 22: Party At Archersnon's!

Jakaro loves hopping gates. It's always a fun way to make new friends! Jakaro hopped a gate and found himself hanging out with Archersnon. He decided to stay hidden for a bit and see what was going on. Maybe he could score some good loot from his buddy!

 

After a while of nothing happening, Jakaro decided to kindly request that they do.... something.

No response. But wait-- Jakaro knew why-- they were both napping so they can be completely ready for the party going on later tonight! Archersnon had a hot date tonight, so he had to save up his energy.

A while later, Jakaro sees Archersnon's date making her way to the party! Don't judge, people, beauty is only skin deep.

Jakaro arrived to the party and they were still napping. He decided to give them some alone time for them to get to know each other better.

He came back in a bit later on and saw the two lovebirds getting close. She was trying to give Archersnon a big hug!

 Jakaro, after a few drinks, wandered off into the woods and fell asleep.

He awoke early the next day. His head was pounding. Brief fragments of last night flashed through his brain.

  "Ugh......"

He wandered back to the house to see how Archersnon was feeling... and found this. Looks like somebody got lucky last night!

 

Uh oh, turns out that Tonycakes, Archersnon's girlfriend, wasn't too happy with me for bringing Archersnon's new date over!

They corner Jak in the house next door, ready to destroy him. Too bad Jak is a wily one!

As Jakaro scampered off, he saw Archersnon again, frantically trying to pick up the clothes he had thrown off in such a hurry from the night before. He wished him good day.
 

Looking forward to the next party!

Episode 21: Jakaro Joins Werkt

Once upon a time, Werkt killed Jakaro in their guildhouse after he snuck in. Cups thought that was the most elite thing of all time, and decided to talk mad shit about it one evening.

Mmm, that's not quite what happened. I think it's time to go down memory lane....

 'Twas a beautiful day, and Jakaro was hanging out with his brand new Werkt guildmates!

Well, not really. Werkt hates him, so he just snuck into their house.

Everybody was napping during this time, so Jakaro made himself right at home, doing what he assumed all Werkt members did.

He dined at the great table.

He built some items for his new best friends.

He even defended the castle against non-Werkt members when everyone else was snoring!

Jakaro was holding down the fort... when this guy rolls in. Bhurak. An orc! Disgusting. Jakaro just spent hours cleaning this guildhouse, he can't have orc scum in this pristine location. He decides to get rid of this evil fiend.

But oh no! The EV misses and attacks his best friend Anon-!

Anon, Cups, and Bhurak weren't very happy about this. They sought Jakaro out to negotiate terms of leaving the guild... and I don't think they were going to be very nice terms.

Jakaro was able to escape and run off into the woods. But alas! They bring along one of their GM trackers and they mercilessly execute Jakaro, firing-range style, in an abandoned home next door.

Wow, some treatment for somebody who took care of your pet for you when you were all napping!

Episode 20: Jakaro vs The Double-Dick Duo

Jakaro has reached a new high/low in Ultima Online Forever. Somehow, he found myself awake at 5:30 AM, crawling through Shame dungeon, looking for trouble. He stumbled across a freshly-slain earth elemental, and was quickly scooping up the loot when the individuals responsible for the loot, Lil Wang and Little Ween Peen, stumbled onto the screen, dicks waving all over the place. Jakaro recognized their young appearance immediately. He hailed them with a friendly greeting and a smile.

But wait.

Enraged by the 100 gold that had been stolen from them, the young players suddenly attack! 

Taken by surprise by the sheer power of their shafts, Jakaro had no choice but to hide in the darkness, tail tucked between his legs.  

Jakaro had an out-of-body experience, as if he was watching this scene play out through the dull haze of a computer monitor. He thought to himself, "Here I am, at 5:30 AM, watching myself get the shit beaten out of me by two young players named Lil Wang and Little Ween Peen. I have a reached a new low." 

 

Yes, I got taunted by two young players named Little Wang and Lil Ween Peen. My life is a failure.

Finally, Jakaro was able to dispatch one of the peens. But wait! Just moments after dying, the Ween Peen was alive again, standing erect and ready for battle once more! Ah, to be young again.

Wave after wave of young Ween Peens attacked Jakaro, until finally he realized the futility of his actions-- no matter what he did, there was no winning this battle. If he died, he was the fool who got his ass kicked by two young players with dicks in their name at 5:30 AM. If he won, he was the asshole who killed innocent two young players in the dungeon who were scrounging to defend their 100 gold.

Jakaro decided to recall away and save both his life and his dignity. But hopefully this won't be the last we see of the Double-Dick Duo!

Episode Nineteen: Jakaro Becomes A Coach

Jakaro was a bit tired of looting for the day. His hands hurt from digging his fingers into the purses of so many people. He was wandering Destard aimlessly when he came across A Dragon Slaye battling valiantly against a paragon drake. A Dragon Slaye called out to him.

Of course! Jakaro always loves to help players out. In that moment, Jakaro decided to become this young man's life coach-- he will cheer this individual on and teach him valuable lessons, no matter how much doubt this man had in himself.

No? Clearly this man had some confidence issues! No worries, Jakaro would fix that for him!  

 Oh no! A wyvern joined the battle. No worries! Jakaro had full faith in his protege and knew he would pull through.

His protege was victorious! The Dragon Slaye looted a paragon chest as spoils of his victory. Jakaro knew that it was time to move on to lesson two: sometimes, life also gives you lemons. He cast a spell and slammed it straight into The Dragon Slaye's smiling face. 

Jakaro tried to explain his actions to The Dragon Slaye, that it was all for the greater good, but he just wasn't listening anymore.

Episode Eighteen: Terrorizing Tamers

Ah, just another day down in the dungeons.

Jakaro loves terrorizing tamers. It's always the most entertaining thing to do in dungeons-- sneaking around and stealing tamers' gold while they desperately attempt to chase Jakaro down.  But Jakaro is too fast for them!

Some tamers recognize this fact, and simply allow Jakaro to take their gold without a hassle:

But others think that simply because Jakaro is a wily thief, that he is powerless to defend himself!

This tamer learned the hard way not to attack Jakaro when he steals from you-- you may lose more than just your gold! Baba Dunn was killing monsters in Deceit when Jakaro relieved him of some of his gold-- he was simply trying to be nice and spare Baba Dunn from the back pain associated with carrying so much loot. However, Baba Dunn did not seem to view it the same way.

Drop the loot? Psh!

Apparently the fart pissed him off.

Tamers never know what to do when Jakaro's elemental friends join the battle.

Another day, another dollar.