Episode 25: Jakaro Finds a Psychopath

Ah, another beautiful day in Sosaria. Jakaro was inspecting the status of a decaying house in East Britain when he noticed that a neighbor, Lolitah, seemed to be doing some redecorating. Feeling chivalrous, Jakaro decided to see if they needed any help. 

Knowing that Britannians did not trust Jakaro for some reason, he decided to disguise himself as a wild sasquatch so Lolitah did not immediately kick him out of her house.

 

Ah, so kind of Lolitah to leave her door wide open for Jakaro! He decided to stroll right in. Wanting his good deeds to stay anonymous, Jakaro decided to remain hidden and instead help Lolitah redecorate her home secretly.

Oh no! Lolitah was really struggling with this heavy chest. It seemed like it had a lot of items in it! Jakaro decided to help her out, and scooped it up when she dropped it down on the ground in exhaustion. 

 

He then took it outside to make sure it wasn't trash. 

 

Whoa! 75 jars of savage paint?! As a fierce defender of the native tribes of Sosaria, Jakaro felt very strongly that the white men and women of Britannia should not infringe upon their land. Therefore, he decided to hold on to this paint until he can chat with Lolitah about the importance of preserving the tribal lands.

Upon returning to Lolitah's home, Jakaro noticed that Lolitah had cruelly thrown her pet beetle out into the cold while she was redecorating her home! What a jerk! The beetle turned to him, voice quivering. "Jaaaaakaaaaaroooo... my master who I love has abandoned me..." It whimpered. "It is too difficult to go on like this... please.... put me out of my misery." Tears in his eyes, Jakaro obliged, and ended the poor beetle's suffering.

  

But wait. What's this? 

 

 

In the midst of her cruelty, Lolitah had forgotten that she had left valuable items strapped to the beetle's side! Jakaro decided to keep these items, as he knew the beetle would have wanted him to have the items instead of its cruel former master.

Upon Jakaro's return, Lolitah was acting incredibly fishy. She had built giant wooden doors in front of her home, barring everyone from entering. What was she hiding? Oh well, Jakaro is not one to judge. Jakaro sat outside, waiting for a moment to have a word with Lolitah about her cruelty of animals and of our native people. 

Ah, there she is! Lolitah kindly opened the door and let Jakaro back in.

  

Understanding that Lolitah was busy rearranging her home and probably didn't want to chat right now, Jakaro decided to make himself comfortable.

 

Suddenly, however, Lolitah comes flying up the stairs, frantically throwing items in chests around. Wait-- why are you trying so hard to get rid of this chest, Lolitah? What terrible secrets are you trying to hide?

Nay, Jakaro will no longer be an accomplice to your terrible misdeeds! Jakaro decided to gate the chest to his house in order to preserve some of the evidence of Lolitah's crimes.

What a hero.

Gulping, Jakaro decided to take a look at some of the items Lolitah was trying so desperately to hide. What he saw stole the breath straight from his lungs.

It was a grisly sight. At the top of the chest lay a saddle from a previous horse that Lolitah must have abandoned in the cold.

Troll's blood?! What kind of sick experiments is this psychopath running?

Shrooms?! No wonder Lolitah was acting so erratically, she is clearly addicted to drugs!

 These items were clearly stolen from a grave. My god, Lolitah, just when we thought you couldn't get any more hideous!

And then finally, the icing on the cake-- beautiful coral pieces, ripped carelessly from the seas.

Wow, what a surprising turn of events. What started out as a simple act of kindness had turned into Jakaro uncovering the terrible deeds of an animal-abusing, savage-murdering, grave-robbing drug addict who performed hideous experiments on monsters and destroyed sea life for fun. Some people are just not who they seem, Jakaro thought, shaking his head as he went back to wandering around in the woods.
 

Episode 24: Jakaro Saves Two Damsels in Distress

"Twas another normal day outside of the Yew gate. Jakaro had long since retired from the looting game after looting Lexington's maxed out talisman, and spent most of his days walking through the woods, enjoying the peaceful sound of nature. He was enjoying a nice lunch on a beautiful log on this sunny day when PineAppleJuice and Jamisonal of $$$ guild came tromping through his encampment, unaware that Jakaro lay hidden just behind the log next to them.

"Hey, let's get to the guildhouse!" PineApple yelled. "Sure, I can gate us," Jamisonal replied. And PineApple proceeded to break the #1 rule of UO: he dropped his runebook on the ground at Jamisonal's feet, mere inches from Jakaro's roving looter hands. So of course Jakaro scooped it up.

The mages begged Jakaro to return the book to them, but Jakaro wasn't feeling very giving at the moment, considering they traipsed through his camp and now PineAppleJuice's dragon was munching on Jakaro's sandwich. So Jakaro decided to make a deal with them.

Ah, these mages were desperate! Jakaro decided to send them on a valiant quest. If they completed three tasks for him, then the runebook was theirs!

Just how far were PineAppleJuice and Jamisonal willing to go?

Dayum! They must be used to this.

And of course, for their final quest, Jakaro made sure they always remembered who's daddy.

With their quest complete, it was now time to return their runebook. Jakaro opened his backpack, grabbed the runebook, and-- nah. Finders keepers!

Just kidding. Jakaro returned their runebook like any modern-day Robin Hood would do, and whisked back off into the night. The purple pantalooned ninja looter strikes again!

Episode 23: Jakaro Officially Wins The Looting Game

Jakaro was strolling around the Trinsic invasion on Easter when he came across an interesting item lying on a dead body. So of course he scooped it up.

Upon further investigation, he realized it what it was: a blessed talisman, bound to Coco Puff. Whaaaaaaaaaat?

 He opened it up, and lo and behold, this sucker had 4 maxed out relics on it:

This talisman was likely worth millions and millions of gold to Coco Puff, and hours of his time. But how did it even end up on his corpse? Jakaro had no idea. He reached out to his fellow players for assistance, and it was determined that this was most likely a bug.

Jakaro knew that this was likely invaluable to Coco Puff and could have extorted him for millions of gold, but also knew that losing an item this valuable could result in losing a player permanently from the game. He knew what he had to do. Jakaro prayed to the gods and allowed them to make their own decision. 

The heavens opened up, and an illustrious figure descended from the clouds. GM Shane stopped by Jakaro's house, and exchanged the talisman for this beauty:

And thus ends the brief tale of how Jakaro looted the unlootable. Jakaro the Looter, dedicated citizen of Sosaria, signing off!

Episode 22: Party At Archersnon's!

Jakaro loves hopping gates. It's always a fun way to make new friends! Jakaro hopped a gate and found himself hanging out with Archersnon. He decided to stay hidden for a bit and see what was going on. Maybe he could score some good loot from his buddy!

 

After a while of nothing happening, Jakaro decided to kindly request that they do.... something.

No response. But wait-- Jakaro knew why-- they were both napping so they can be completely ready for the party going on later tonight! Archersnon had a hot date tonight, so he had to save up his energy.

A while later, Jakaro sees Archersnon's date making her way to the party! Don't judge, people, beauty is only skin deep.

Jakaro arrived to the party and they were still napping. He decided to give them some alone time for them to get to know each other better.

He came back in a bit later on and saw the two lovebirds getting close. She was trying to give Archersnon a big hug!

 Jakaro, after a few drinks, wandered off into the woods and fell asleep.

He awoke early the next day. His head was pounding. Brief fragments of last night flashed through his brain.

  "Ugh......"

He wandered back to the house to see how Archersnon was feeling... and found this. Looks like somebody got lucky last night!

 

Uh oh, turns out that Tonycakes, Archersnon's girlfriend, wasn't too happy with me for bringing Archersnon's new date over!

They corner Jak in the house next door, ready to destroy him. Too bad Jak is a wily one!

As Jakaro scampered off, he saw Archersnon again, frantically trying to pick up the clothes he had thrown off in such a hurry from the night before. He wished him good day.
 

Looking forward to the next party!